1) Mid-stroke at Charles Sifford Golf Course in khaki shorts and a branded polo
Caption: Loving the chance to unplug and enjoy this beautiful weather.
Reality: I make enough money to afford golf, ladies.
2) Jeni’s ice cream
Caption: I scream. You scream.
Reality: I’m lactose intolerant, but the likes will be worth the disaster this ice cream is about to do to my digestive system.
3) Myrtle Beach with sand on butt
Caption: I could be a beach bum all summer.
Reality: I could show my beach bum all summer.
4) Crowders Mountain peak, shirtless
Caption: Connect with your roots. Stay close to nature.
Reality: Connect with my abs. Stay close to my pecs.
5) At the confetti hearts wall / purple wall / Fibonacci laughing at nothing
Caption: Positive vibes only. Spread love.
Reality: I have never had an original thought in my life.
6) Sorority reunion at Mechant and Trade racking up a $70 tab
Reality: I thought I was done paying for these friends after graduation.
7) Date night smooch at La Belle Helene
Caption: I only have eyes for her.
Reality: We couldn’t find an angle with good light that also showed we’re at La Belle Helene, so we had to tag them instead.
8) Wearing big sunglasses at brewery, with dog
Caption: I love my sweet furbaby.
Reality: My dog stopped attempting to maul smaller dogs and sniffing stranger’s crotches just long enough to snap this pic.
9) Dudebro with arm around girl at Suite.
Caption: It was lit, bruh.
Reality: I talked at this woman for 45 minutes until she claimed she had to use the bathroom and ditched me.
10) Hot Taco for bi-weekly happy hour with coworkers
Caption: I’m so blessed that I get to do this. #dreamjob
Reality: I really should be catching up on that big assignment, but this tequila won’t drink itself.
11) Uptown selfie with local influencer
Caption: Look who I just ran into. #smallworld
Reality: They’re so much more awkward in person.
12) Late night Benny’s pizza slice
Caption: There’s never a bad time for pizza.
Reality: This latest bout with seasonal depression is particularly difficult.
13) Travel selfie with contemplative gaze
Caption: Get outside of your comfort zone.
Reality: I racked up so much credit card debt to buy these flights, seeing free landmarks is all I can afford to do.
14) Bank of America Stadium for a Panthers home game
Caption: Happy ‘Thersday! #KeepPounding
Reality: I’ll be booing every human being in a blue jersey the moment things look bad.
15) Buffalo Exchange dressing room mirror pic
Caption: I am totally in love with this look.
Reality: These outfits combined would cost $200, but the likes from the mirror pic are free.